The Adventures of Kerbin, Celtic and Bonesy 9: The Day We Went To Hell
The squad looked at the bulky angel-esque being in front of them that had just vaporized at least a thousand demons. He turned and almost instantly the original squad remembered who he was. Bonesy: "Holy shit..Jack?" Jack: "Wassup,my good lads?" Jack was much more... muchier now. He was tall, at least seven feet. His hair went down to his knees, but he didn't seem to mind. His wings were extremely large, but holy shit his muscles were like fucking Akimbo Slice and Terry Crews at the same time. Memez: "Well you look...different." Jack looked down at himself. Jack: "This? Nah. Being best friends with a god is pretty cool. And being a Dankgel allows me to manipulate my physical form." Celtic: "What the hell is a Dankgel?" Jack: "Supernatural protector of the dank humans. The Armada of Snoop. Other cool names that i can't think of right now. I'm sure there's some Valkyrie comparisons, after removing the whole female thing from the equation." Kerbin: "Did you get any cool weapons?" Jack smiled, before bringing his hands together to form a bright green ball of energy. He cast it out into the distance, before it hit some overhanging rock and exploded. Bonesy: "That is fucking amazing." Memez: "Why're you here though?" Jack: "Well for one to give everyone their weapons back." Jack grabbed a large sack filled with the squads weapons and the weapons of BurningTorrent and Uxie. Jack: "Burning, hope you don't mind but while I was getting this I got the munchies, and I raided your fridge." Burning: "That's okay, just tell me you didn't eat my Cheese Puff Daddies." Jack: "Literally the first thing I grabbed." Burning: "Fuck." Burning took her blade in hand, long time the manxome foe she sought. So she sat a while under the TumTum tree, and stood a while in thought. Burning: "I don't think anyone here's gonna get a Jabberwocky joke." Burning pulled the sword from it's sheath, it's edge pulsing with power. The blade moved like Waveform, but was much too stable to be it. Uxie had a small green ball in her hand, about the size of a baseball. Kerbin: "What's that, Uxie?" Uxie: "Just a small nuke." The squad shuffled away from Uxie. Uxie: "What? It doesn't even really have any explosive potential. It's just a giant flashbang really." Bonesy: "So Jack, two questions. Where are we and how do we get out?" Jack: "That's where my second thing comes in. You are all in Hell." The squad looked around, slightly unimpressed. Uxie: "It is a tad bit cliche, isn't it?" Jack: "What else would Hell look like?" Bonesy: "He's got a point." Jack: "Well now kids, get ready for some exposition." Jack brushed his hair out of his eyes, but it quickly settled back into place, making this whole sentence pointless. Jack: "Sad part is, I can't help you fight here. I have limited power and I'm cut off from the Great Dank. I'll be focusing on opening the Eight Gates. They're the portals from Hell to the Wikiverse, and only great dank can break them. These Gates are hidden in the Circles of Hell, basically personal dimensions for the guardians of these Gates. The guardians of these Gates will try to kill me before I can open the Gates. You need to make sure I have enough time to open those Gates so we can proceed and get the fuck out of here. Got it?" Memez: "Yeah, I think." Uxie: "I liked the part where you said Gates." Jack: "The first Gate is around here somewhere." Midna: "I'm going to make a wild assumption and say that this is it." The squad turned around and saw a gigantic vault door. Various words in a language no living creature could read were carved into the metal of the giant door. Jack: "I'd make sure your weapons are reloaded." The squad checked their shit, making sure that all of their gear was good. All guns were reloaded and all blades were still sharp. Jack: "Well then, let's get this shit on the road." Jack began breathing deeply, and moved his hands closer to his heart, forming an invisible ball. With a shout, he fired a deep green beam of energy from his hands onto the lock of the giant vault door. The rest of the squad heard a loud rumble, and a high pitched scream. ???: "LIKE SONIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jack: "That sounds like Wrath." In the distance they saw a giant ape-like creature with a small child's head on it's impossibly large body, sprinting towards them with blinding speed and rage. Wrath: "WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT YOUR ACTIONS..HAVE..CONSEQUENCEEEEESSSS?!?!?!??!" The entire squad moved forward to fight him, but all but one found they were blocked by a field of invisible energy. Bonesy was the only one that could walk forward freely. Jack: "Oh, and did I mention only one of you can fight the Sins at a time? Totally slipped my mind." Bonesy: "That's a pretty big fucking detail Jack." Jack: "Just keep him busy. Once this Gate is open he'll just turn to dust anyhow." Bonesy: "Also a pretty big fucking detail." Wrath was upon them.He reared his head and fists back, readying a massive punch on Bonesy's location. Wrath: "LIIIIKKKKEEEE..." He brought his fists down, cracking into the molten ground. He didn't seem to feel any pain. Wrath: "SOOOOONNNNIIIIICCCC!!!!" Bonesy: "SONIC SUCKS YOU SQUEAKY DYKE!" Bonesy was behind Wrath, taunting him with provacotive displays of alien macarena dancing. Or he was just flailing his arms about like a normal jackass. Wrath: "RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bonesy: "lol, u mad bro?" Wrath got down on all fours, digging his digits into the molten rock. Bonesy started to run in the opposite direction. Bonesy: "I BET YOU CAN'T EVEN FAST BRO." Wrath screamed, and bolted towards Bonesy, closing half of the gap between them in a single bound. Bonesy: "oh shit." Jack: "GOT IT." The Gate exploded in dankness, and Wrath did as well, showering Bonesy in weird-ass Sin dust. Bonesy: "(koff) This is disgusting... I'm gonna take some of it for science-ing later." Midna: "Nicely done!" Burning: "Meh, I've seen better." A flaming hole opened up next to Burning. A small metal sign read "BURNINGTORRENT'S HOUSE. IF YOU COME IN WITHOUT AN INVITATION I WILL SLICE YOUR GENITALS AT MY PERSONAL LEISURE. HAVE A NICE DAY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT." It goes without saying it was a very large sign. Burning: "Oh yeah, I live in Hell. Totes forgot about that. CYA, losers." And with that Burning hopped into the hole and it dissapeared. Memez: "Aww, but we didn't even get to see her cool sword thingy." Jack: "Let's not dote on lost sword thingies, we have work to do m8s." Ryuko: "Who's next?" Jack: "I think Greed lives here." The squad of misfits walked into a Circle of Hell that seemed to be a pirate's paradise. Long, tall mounds of pure gold coins, ingots, scepters, you name it. There were chests storing jewels and even more priceless artifacts. A man with a T-rex's head and sunglasses was furiously shoving gold into his pockets, but just as he put it in it dissapeared and reappeared on the pile of gold and jewels in front of him. He seemed unaware of this. Drake: "(mumbling) I'm gonna be SOOO rich...so much swag..." Ryuko: "Who's that?" Memez: "DrakeDDuxon." Drake turned and looked at them, raising a golden Colt 1911 (dunt copyright infringe me pl0x) sideways at them. He aimed specifically at Jack, the tall scary-ass motherfucker he is. Drake: "YOU MOTHAFUCKAS AINT ABOUT TO STEAL MY SWAG BITCH!" Celtic: "There's no need for such fucking depraved fucking language there are motherfucking women here you piece of shit." Drake fired his gun at Jack, but the trigger locked up. This seemed to calm him down somewhat. Jack: "Why shoot at me!?! There are like seven other people you could've shot at!" Drake: "I needed to know if you were swaggy enough to help me, that's what this gun does." Spoooky: "That's stupid." Drake: "You're stupid. Now help me get this swag into my pockets." Drake went back to the pile, tossing coins and gems into his pockets, as the gems and coins disappeared and reappeared on the pile. Memez: "Umm, you DO know that those coins just dissapear, right?" Drake stopped. Drake: "Wait what." Drake took a small coin, closely watching the large pile in front of him. He put it in his pocket, and watched as it dissapeared and reappeared on the pile. He sighed. Drake: "I've been doing this shit for five years." Kerbin walked over and patted him on the back. Kerbin: "Have you seen a big weird creature named Greed here?" Drake: "I think so. It just picked up a bunch of cards and headed east from here." Midna: "Cards?" Drake: "Yeah, all kinds. Yu-Gi-Oh, Magic: The Gathering, Pokemon, Pepes, you name it.Just put a bunch of random ones in a little pouch he had like a kangaroo..." Kerbin: "That's racist, go on." Drake: "...and left. He was mumbling something about "finishing his collection" or some stupid shit like that." Uxie: "Could you lead us?" Drake: "Sure, why not. This coin and gem thing isn't working out." Drake led them through paths of gold and silver, great mountains of false riches looming everywhere. He led them to an open area where boxes of cards made up mile high walls.No creature was seen but a small, almost teenage demon. Memez walked up to it. Memez: "Do you know where Greed is?" The demon started to babble some shit about worshiping a gigantic rubber duck as a demigod. Memez grabbed it by the shoulders and started slapping it exactly four times. It's odd how specific the number of times he hit that demon was. Exactly four. Not that it will ever come up again, but it's nice to think about. Memez: "ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?!" Bonesy: "Memez, stop slapping the demon and making Pulp Fiction references and get over here." Memez walked away from the demon. It spewed some more spiel about Ducky the Destroyer, before a hand from the ceiling snapped it up and put it on a card. It writhed for a bit before it was put on a vice, being squeezed into the card like a flower into the pages of a book. The thing had six human arms but no legs. It's face was devoid of eyes, but it's mouth stretched way too far for it's face, almost reaching it's also nonexistant ears. It mumbled line after line of nonsense as it wrote a name and various statistics on the demon-covered card. Greed: "no no no...have six of him...won't do, won't do..." Jack saw the Gate under the creature, forming another ball of energy in his hands. He let it go with a shout, causing Greed to look down at them. Greed: "...don't have them...they look rare...gotta have them.." A forcefield surrounded the squad, excluding Drake and Kerbin. Kerbin: "I thought you said it only lets one person in!" Jack: "I don't control the forcefields, Hell itself does." Greed launched itself at the two, catching Drake but narrowly missing Kerbin. It slammed Drake into a card, and he struggled to get out of it as Greed labeled him and set him away in a box. Greed: "...he's pretty rare...he can help my deck...won't trade him..." But as he rolled out of the way, Kerbin hit a box of cards, scattering them on the pristine red-rock floor. Greed let out an angered huff, and scurried down to pick them up and re-sort them. It gave Kerbin a second to breath as Greed shoved the box back into the slot it came from. Burning walked up behind everyone in the forcefield, sipping on a Coke. (dunt copyright infringe me pls) Burning: "What'd I miss?" Bonesy: "There was a thing with a T-Rex and some cards, Memez bitch slapping demons, you know, the normal stuff." Burning: "What's that thingy Kerbin's fighting?" Memez: "Greed." Burning: "Oh, cool. Anyone want some snacks?" Midna: "Do you have nachos? I find those irresistible. Just another thing I love about this universe." Kerbin: "CAN WE MAYBE PAY ATTENTION TO THE THING THAT'S TRYING TO TURN ME INTO A VIRGIN LICENSE HERE?!?!!?" Burning: "Anyone else want nachos?" Kerbin tried to knock as many boxes off of the walls as he could, but Greed was getting faster and faster, almost predicting where Kerbin would shoot the next box. Kerbin: "ARE YOU FUCKERS ENJOYING THIS?!?" Spoooky: "Kinda, it's like a movie." Kerbin: "WELL GET READY FOR SOME 3-D ACTION!!!" Kerbin shot two boxes off, grabbing one before Greed could get it. He slid it under the forcefield, and Greed let an anguished sigh loose. Greed: "...can't get it...need to get it...need to have it." Greed smashed his face against the field, bashing and punching it in an attempt to get his card box. Burning: "This is better than Gordon The Killer's 3-D sections." Bonesy: "That's not saying much." Jack: "Got it!" The second Gate crumbled as the first, and Greed turned to dust as well. Kerbin grabbed the card Drake was stored in. Drake was pounding on the card from the inside, trying to get out. Drake: "(in tiny voice) Get me the fuck outta here!" Celtic: "HA, you're a Pokemon card." Memez: "Jack, as a preemptive question, who might be next?" Jack:" I think Pride's next." The squad walked through the Gate to the next Circle. It was a long, almost infinite hallway of mirrors and photographs of an extremely ugly individual doing menial tasks, always with an award or trophy under them. A large gerbil in a suit was preening himself in a mirror, picking stray strands of fur into place and smoothing his suit. Gerballs: "...dumdedeedoo...i'm the best eeeeever...Donald Rumpg doesn't have SHIT on me..." Celtic: "So THATS where President Gerballs went. I thought he got assasinated." Gerballs: "AH, adoring fans! If you give me a pen I'll sign whatever you got, but be quick, I'm a busy gerbil." Memez: "Dude, you're in Hell." Gerballs: "Really?" Ryuko: "Yep." Gerballs: "Huh, thought that bullet missed." Celtic: "So you WERE assasinated! They called my theory crazy." Gerballs: "So what do I do? I have a country to run!" Bonesy: "We may be able to get you out, may not, depends on how Hell feels at the time." Gerballs: "It's gonna be hard to get out, this hallway just goes on forever. Only thing I've seen is this one mirror you can walk into, but I always get lost in it. There has to be some code or way to get to where it leads." Midna: "Do you know where this mirror is?" Gerballs: "Yep, just a few minutes walk that way." The squad walked for a few minutes while Celtic pestered President Gerballs about secrets of state, or in this case planet. Trollpasta politics are weird. Celtic: "What about ayyylmaos? Are THEY real???" Gerballs: "No. I've answered that question eighty times, they DON'T exist." Celtic: "What about THIS!?!? (Shows poorly photoshopped ayyylmao)" Gerballs: "(sigh) Fine, you got me, they exist." Celtic: "I KNEW ITIKNEWITIKNEWIT!!!!" Uxie: "Is this it?" A mirror stood between two trophies of a man taking a shit, both titled "Didn't stink!" The mirror had a gilded frame, with many mirrors faceted into it like the sides of a gem. The surface moved about like a vertical pond. Burning: "Oooh, shiny." Looks like rainbow is the new blonde, amirite? Burning: "Oh shut the fuck up." Ryuko: "Jeez, you're hostile and nobodies said anything yet." Kerbin: "Okay, I think I have an idea." Kerbin walked in, and a couple minutes later he walked back in. Kerbin: "GOT I-oh shit." Uxie: "Okay, this guy's the embodiment of pride, so maybe something related to his name?" Kerbin: "There were letters over the doorways." Uxie: "Then let's go." The entire squad filed one-by-one into the mirror, following Uxie as she looked for the correct path. Honestly, it was a stupid puzzle. I could've thought up something better. They entered a large room with wood paneled walls and green shag carpet, the roof at least five thousand feet up. Trophies on innumerable shelves reached the ceiling, displaying mild accomplishments and gigantic trophies. A man sat in the middle of the room, a mirror in his hands. His face was stapled to the sides of his head, his smile almost painfully large. His hair was greasy yet well combed. He turned to face the squad, smiling, the stretched skin of his face sickening most of them. His voice was odd, both high pitched and deep and bassy at the same time, like two different people speaking with the same mouth. Pride: "HaVe YoU CoMe To CoNgRaTuLaTe Me On OpEnInG My EyEs? It WaS A VeRy BiG EvEnT!" Jack shot his beam at a Gate behind Pride, a large mirror with a frame that looked exactly like the other Gates, as the forcefield raised up again. The forcefield surrounded everyone but Uxie. Pride stood up, dusting off his rumpled suit. Pride: "YoU DoN't WaNt To FiGhT Me HoNeY, I'm ToO PoWeRfUl FoR ThE LiKeS Of YoU. DiDn'T YoU SeE ThE TrOpHiEs I'vE WoN?" Pride chuckled for a second, before shattering like a mirror. Shards of him floated around, before they all turned into rectangular mirrors surrounding Uxie. The reflections of Pride stood completely still except for the one talking, almost like a shining painting. Pride: "ThErE's ToO MaNy Of My AmAzInG ClOnEs FoR YoU To FiGhT By YoUrSeLf." Uxie smashed the Pride currently speaking, and it shattered before floating back up and reforming. Pride: "WhOoPs! WrOnG Me!" Uxie kept shattering the various Prides, but he would always port himself to another mirror before he could be shattered. Loud crunching noises were heard in the forcefield. Bonesy: "What the hell are you eating Burning, some rocks?" Burning: "Nah, just some chips. They're kinda stale though" Uxie shattered the mirrors for a couple minutes before Pride decided to stop jeering at her and do something kind of smart. He left Uxie surrounded by his clones, and went towards Jack as he was trying to destroy the Gate. Pride: "LoOk At YoU, TrYiNg So HaRd To GeT ThEm OuT Of HeRe. BeT YoU DiDn'T TeLl ThEm AbOuT ThE LaSt RoOm..." Uxie: "OI, ASSHOLE!" Pride turned to see a green ball roll towards his feet. It detonated, setting of a small nuclear detonation and leaving the real Pride blind. Allowing Uxie to break the mirror he was in, destroying him. Jack: "It's open!" The Gate shattered to pieces. The shards reformed into an open Gate to the area of the next Sin. Memez: "What did he mean by Last Room Jack?" Jack looked at the squad with a bashful face, like a schoolboy realizing he had forgotten his homework. Jack: "Oh yeah! That room... So, umm...You guys MAAAAYYYY have to fight (koff) Satan (koff)." Midna: "Satan?!" Jack: "Come on, it's not a big deal! Just an omnipotent omnipresent entity of purest evil, no biggy!" Celtic: "It's a pretty big biggy Jack." Ryuko: "Meh, I could take him." Burning: "Same here." Jack: "SEE? Ryu can take him! Act like Ryu!" Kerbin: "Uxie, where are you taking President Gerballs?" Uxie was nearing a mysterious green portal in the sky, struggling under the weight of hauling the gigantic rodent. Jack: "Huh. Hell's feeling giving today, it seems." Uxie: "DON'T WORRY, I'LL SEND HELP!" Memez: "Jack, what is that?" Jack:" A way out, but I doubt it'll let all of us go free." Gerballs: "I'LL GIVE YOU GUYS THE KEYS TO THE PLANET IF I CAN FIND THEM!" Uxie and Gerballs entered the portal, and it winked out of existence. Bonesy: "Well shit. Who's next Jack?" Jack: "Envy. She's a creepy bitch." The squad walked through the portal into a Circle that was a long, dimly lit tunnel. Photos of seemingly meaningless objects like a strip of gum or a shoe lined the walls, all captioned with some variation of "I WISH I HAD IT". The tunnel was thin, but like the homes of the other Sins it was infinitely tall. Midna: "This is a forboding area. Let's find the Gate and leave quickly." The tunnel began to widen up until it turned into a wide circular room. A woman sat in the middle of the room holding a picture of a car. She looked normal overall, long blonde hair, a loose brown sweater and jeans. She turned and looked at the squad and sighed. Her eyes were a bright green, no whites. Envy: "I wish i had the stuff you have..." The forcefield surrounded everyone but Burning. Envy stood up, setting the picture on a corkboard. The room was corkboard on all the walls, covered in millions upon millions of pictures of seemingly unimportant items, leading upwards to infinity. The floor was a deep green, and appeared to be emerald. Burning: "Alright bitches, hold my earrings." Burning threw her earrings into the forcefield, and Memez caught them. Envy mimicked the action, albeit without anything in her hands. Jack got to work at the Gate, which was a gigantic picture of a Gate. Don't know how Envy thought she was going to hide it. Burning: "And DON'T touch my gummi worms." Spoooky: "(face full of gummi worms) What?" Burning took her sword in hand, and it's edge turned a bright red. Envy mimicked the same movement, and began to shudder. She started to shiver violently, before exploding to reveal an exact copy of Burning inside of her, though this one was devoid of any color but green. Burning: "Am I really that skinny? Fuck yeah." Spoooky: "(muttering) With all this junk food it's a wonder." Burning: "Heard that." Burning swung her sword at Envy, releasing a bright red slash of energy towards the doppleganger. Envy did the same, her copied sword releasing a green beam, and the two energy beams collided. Burning: "This is gonna be annoying." Burning slashed again, two times in quick succesion. Envy mimicked the action fluidly, and the energy from both Burning's Dubstep Sword and Envy's copy hit eachother. Envy copied Burning's movements exactly, but her swordwork was ever so slightly slower. Burning had an idea. It was a shitty idea, and would most definately get her killed. Burning: "SHUTHEFUCKUP! I NEED SOME FUCKING POSITIVITY RIGHT NOW." Spoooky: "Again, nobody said any..." Bonesy: "Just let her do her thing." Burning angled her swing, and the beams of energy barely missed eachother. The green beam fizzled out, but the red beam ricoched into Envy's back. She was knocked down, and turned to dust. Burning picked some of the Sin Dust up. Burning: "I wonder what would happen if I snorted this..." Jack: "It's done!" The Gate caught fire, and revealed an open Gate behind it. The squad walked towards it. Memez: "And the next one is?" Jack: "The next one is Lust. Crazy ass half-spider bitch." The portal opened to reveal the next Circle, a maze of silken drapes and pillows strewn about the seemingly infinite floor. The sky held art depicting headless women made of lasers making godless love to dragons made of motorcycles. Not really, but that would've been cool. Celtic: "Jack, how are we gonna find our way through all this shit?" Jack: "Some really Alice in Wonderland shit. No matter which direction we go we'll always be heading both the right and wrong direction, although they're both the same." Memez: "Woah. Complete mindfuck." Spoooky: "That's stupid." Jack: "Did it have to be smart?" Memez: "(awestruck stare into space)" Bonesy: "Why exactly are there mummies here?" The squad looked at the floor, which was littered with completely dry corpses. Large webs began appearing on the drapes, sticking other corpses into a macabre display. Celtic: "I don't think those count as mummies, they aren't wrapped in bandages." Bonesy: "But the question of why the hell they're here still remains." Jack: "It's a marker, means that we're close." The squad walked for a couple minutes, before coming to another circular room much like the others. A Gate was on the other side of the room, made of finely spun cobwebs. A woman sat in the middle of the room. From the waist up she was beautiful. Pale ivory skin caressed by dark robes and silken sashes, while deep black hair fell across her back like ink. From the waist down however, she was a hideous spider, eight legs twitching and scraping the floor. Her face was covered by a thick lace veil. She spoke directly to Jack. Lust: "Well aren't you just a hunk of love. Come here and let me take care of you for a while..." The forcefield raised up around everyone but Memez, as Jack fired his beam at the Gate. Lust looked at Memez. Lust: "Well well well, i haven't had thai in AGES..." Lust leaned towards Memez, but Memez batted at her with the Staff, striking her in her face. She slowly looked back at Memez. Lust: "Well now, that's no way to treat a woman, now IS IT?!?" Lust kicked Memez into the webs of her room, securing him in the sticky strands. Memez fought to free himself, unleashing all KINDS of badass muay thai on that shit. Lust walked to Jack. Lust: "I wasn't in the mood for oriental anyway.But i am in the mood for some of this..." Lust stroked her hand along Jack's jaw, turning his head towards her.He was too focused on breaking the Gate too move away. Lust: "I like your eyes. Do you like mine?" Lust slowly removed her veil. Jack was held captive by four spidery legs, he couldn't turn his head. She removed the veil, her eyes closed. She slowly began to open them, a sliver of bright purple showing... Memez: "SUP MOTHERFUCKER!" Memez bashed the Staff into Lust's head, knocking her out cold. Jack shook his head and got back to work on the Gate, and in a couple minutes it turned to stone and opened. The forcefield dissipated, allowing the squad to walk up to Jack and Memez. Memez: "What the hell was she trying to do?" Jack: "She was trying to put me in a trance with her stare so she could drain me of pretty much every fluid in my body." Burning: "Dude, you look pretty pale. You need a drink?" Jack: "No, I'm fine. I was just almost eaten by a crazy ass spider bitch. I'm the epitome of mental health right now." Celtic: "Where the hell do you even get a drink here?" Burning: "Ummm, hello? I live here. Honestly this whole experience is basically like me walking to the supermarket." Jack: "The next one should be a break from this bullshit. I think it's Sloth." The Gate opened to reveal the next Circle, a long, flat area choked with various tubes and pipes and other mysterious machinery. Like the other domains of the other Sins, the ceiling couldn't be seen, but piping ran all along the edge of visibility. There were some clear pipes, with some odd golden brown fluid flowing along it. Kerbin: "I never thought i would say these words, but let's follow the liquid." The squad listened to the advice of the anthropomorphic furry marsupial and followed the fluid into yet another large circular room, but the Gate was nowhere to be found. Demons worked on large machines all linked by scaffolding. They scurried about like ants, feeding a large faceless blob. The blob, Sloth, rolled to the right slightly to reach a feeding tube, revealing a small bit of Gate behind him. Sloth: "Cn we mve th tbe clsr 2 me pls." The forcefield didn't come because Jack couldn't start on the Gate. The squad walked up to Sloth. Burning: "OI, FATASS. MOVE." Sloth: "i dnt wnto." Bonesy: "JUST ROLL OVER. IT'S FUN, I SWEAR." Sloth: "i dn fgn wnt 2 u jws, nw fg of." Bonesy: "Let's try something." Bonesy primed the Bass Cannon at Hover setting, aiming it squarely at Sloth's side. He fired, but barely budged him from his spot in front of the Gate. Sloth: "stp u fgts,tht tckls." Sloth jiggled his fat at the general direction of the squad, knocking them over. (Bet you never thought you'd see that sentence in a trollpasta.) Spoooky: "This sucks, we need something bigger." Bonesy: "Well we don't have the Rickroll's Bass Cannons. Whatever happened to the Rickroll anyway?" (A cutscene is shown where a black man and a latino man are driving the Rickroll over a curve in space in slow motion, large smiles on their face. The Star Wars theme song played in the background. #FerrisBuellerReferences) Jack: "I put it in a parking garage. Gave the guy a fiver to take extra special care of it." Sloth: "cn i tlk 2 u gyz 2?" Memez: "No." Sloth: "aw." Celtic: "Does anyone remember that Drake is in a card?" Bonesy: "Yeah, he's in my wallet. Why?" Celtic: "No reason. Just wondered if that just stopped being a thing." Drake: "(Muffled) CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE?!?" Kerbin: "Yeah, he's still there." Bonesy: "Let's see what we can do about this fat fuck." Celtic tried poking him with the Sword of Blatant Ripoffs, Spoooky shot at him with her Makarov, Memez unleashed excessive staffwork and some bitchin muay thai, Bonesy fired his Bass Cannon at it's highest setting, Midna blasted dark energies out of the Twilight Mirror, Kerbin fired the Banstick, and Burning slashed at it with the Dubstep Sword but nothing worked. Sloth remained in his position, guzzling the odd golden brown fluid from the tube until he was full and taking naps at various intervals. Memez: "Okay, I have an idea." Burning: "Is it good?" Memez: "It's messy." Celtic: "In a good way?" Memez: "No." Memez jumped on top of Sloth, grabbing it's feeding tube. Sloth: "hy wht r u dng u ccklrd stp it." Memez forced the feeding tube into Sloth's mouth. Sloth tried to struggle away from Memez, but his eternal position in the floor wouldn't let him move. Sloth got bigger and bigger until he exploded, showering everyone in weird ass goop. I sincerely hope that nobody fapped to this section, as that is sick as fuck. Burning: "Who would fap to that?" Celtic: "Should I even remind you that no one said anything?" Jack: "I'll get started on the Gate. Again. Seriously, I'm a Gate-breaking whore to you people." Jack started breaking the Gate, and Burning doled out snacks for a somewhat deserved break. Bonesy: "Where the hell do you get these snacks? Do you have, like, some random magical food portal up your ass?" Burning: "Well, not MY ass. More like Hell's ass. If we're referring to portals as asses." Midna: "This talk of rectums as food portals has stolen my appetite." Celtic: "So you aren't gonna eat those cheese puffs?" Jack: "Got it!" The Gate disintegrated, and Sloth's goopy remains turned instead to ash. The squad walked up to the Gate as normal. Jack: "And before anyone asks, the penultimate Sin is Gluttony." Bonesy: "Penultimate?" Jack: "Second to last." Midna: "Why use such long words?" Jack: "I felt like saying something fancy." Memez: "But why though?" Jack: "Becaus- Look, are we gonna: A: Focus on my use of fancy words or B: Get out of Hell?" Burning: "A seems like a good option." Jack: "Oh fuck off, let's just get this over with." The squad walked in to the penultimate Circle. It was a horrible smelling mess of food scraps and dirty plates. The floor was barely visible checkerboard, caked with trillions of years of discarded food scraps. The only path they could take was the one not covered in plates and bones. Gigantic, almost unreal ants, rats and cockroaches passed in and out of artificial caves made of the openings in cracked bowls and rotting meat. Burning: "Dammit, I just got these boots." Bonesy: "Speak for your damn self, these shoes were Sp00Gucci." Jack: "Listen for disgusting smacking noises, that means we're close." It took them a fair few hours and many tedious bitchings about ruined footwear when they saw a line of demons with silver platters, all laden with food, walking in a single file line towards a large white plate in the distance. The squad followed the butler demons to the penultimate Sin, Gluttony. He had six "arms", each ending in a face, blank except for a mouth. He had a single head on top of his body, which had no mouth but eyes and ears. The mouths on the ends of his arms snapped up the butler demons, plate and all, eating them and then moving on to the next. Jack spotted the Gate, a macabre model of yellowed bones. He shot his energy towards it, and Gluttony reared it's ugly head towards him. Gluttony: "O҉̜̣͖̣h̪ lo҉̗̜o̦͕̗̯̼͕͟k̹̱̜̥,̙ ̩͕̺͍̙̹He̩ ͞s̷̩͈e̻̯͔n̡͕̤̯̩t̰̖ ̭̹̟͖m̶͙͎͚͚̱̯e̩̼̪̰ a͈͕̥̪͇͇ ̱̪̬̜̙̖̻ḷ̡̯̬͓̥̺i̛̮̞̰͚̦̦̳t̸̩̳̣̣̪̗̳t̶̺͔l̙͓̪̹͔̠̳ẹ͞ ̟s̶̻̙̞n̟̤͢ạ̗͔̭̹͠c̤͕͓̫̗k͖͕͡!̡̦" The forcefield surrounded everyone but Celtic. He ran towards Jack, getting to him only a couple seconds before Gluttony. Celtic sliced at one of Gluttony's many mouth-tentacles, chopping off one of them. It fell to the floor, still snapping. Gluttony: "T̶̥̟H̯̭̬̙͎A͏̯̱̦T ͇͎͙W҉͍̥̬͎̦̪̤AS͈͘ ̗̟̩̰̞̝̘͟M̶Y̞̲̟̼̰̬̹ ̕F͚̬̠̪̣ͅḀ͕̱͞S̤̪̰̠T̝͇̺͈ ̨͉͔̗̦̳͇F҉̮̲͕̗̜̫̞O̩͙͚̜͔O͈͇D̙̰̥̣̟̬͍ ̲̤̪M̱̭̙̝͚̬͎O̦̗U͔̺̗͢T̡̝̼̝͖ͅH҉͉!͉̭̗̝͎" Gluttony bashed Celtic away, using his time to take a bite out of Jack's arm. Jack jumped away in pain, allowing Celtic to scramble to his feet and chop another two arms off. Gluttony: "I͚̬̤̺̜'͏v̧̺̣e͓͕͟ ̺̗̙͍͍̜̕ͅl͓͇̭̭i̯̘̖̺͈ve҉͍ḑ̫ ̟͖͕̥̙̮̣s̞̙̲͠i̞͇ͅn̶̳̤͍c̡é̮̩ ̫͉͝t̩̫h̳ì̗̲̰s̫͙͚̯̠̜̟͠ ͚̺͉̪̳͡ẁ̬͍͎̼͈o̕r͙͙̬̝͠ͅl̷͚̬d̪̘̱͕͈͚ ̮̼̗w̼̻̭̲͚͎͕a̧͈͉̬͔s̩͉̰̗̬̠̰͝ a̭͙̙͚ͅ ͔̻̪̣̪̳̯l͙͔͙̮͚i҉̲̥̙ṯ̝͉̖̼̜t̮̠̠͉l͓͉͙e̺ ͓͖̻̱̠̳͙s̖̟̕ͅp͙̝͎̕e̮̲̲͟c̺͔͈̦̟͇̦k̬̖̠͓̣̩ ̸o͔̖̲̘̯f̝͚̝ ͎d̢̬͖͔̫u̥͈͚̠̱̫s͍͞t̛̖,̭͕̭ ̙͈̖̜a͎̯ ͉͈̗̝́c͓̝̬͕̱̞̝ŕ̤̦̗̫͚̙u̬͙̦͓̯͠m̴̹͈̳̠b̵ ͎̥͠ų̟̤n̛̰̮͕͎̼d̘̭er͎͉͔ ̮̯̘̞̯̳͡a̼̯̺͚ ̭̺͚̩̻̠c̹͔̜͎ͅou͚̱͎͜ch̘͍̲̫̭ ̷c̹̩̦̻̥ư̱̮̟̻̺̝͉s҉̰̮͚͔h̵̖̣̖i҉͔o̴̦͇̮͎̤͇ń,̞̜̥̣̦ ̦̜̫a̶̹͖̲̥͓n̞̦̖d̩̗̣ ̹̀N̯̦͓̬͍̠O͈͇̞B̖̦͈̀O̺̗̹̘̟D̙̘̪̪̘Y͔̖͚͖̜ ̲̭͇̖̟ḭ̟̪n̖̟͎̫͢ ̠̯̪̥̙̹͙a̞̯̺̭͟l̗͇̖̱l͉̳̦̯̝ ͏͚̦̣̫ͅt̕h̗̟̳̯̙͙̲͞á͓̲̱̜͖̫̞t̴ ͏̬̱͍ti͙m̹͔̱e ̸̱̫̮̞h̘̟̗̙a̘̝̜s̜͚͕͙̣̭͓ ̦̲̥̰̤͉̟p̞i͔͘s͖̞͈̪s̢̘͈̗̝͖̠̤e̘̰͈̺d͈̳͙̣͕̪͖ ̵̩̪̮̪̟̘̰ḿ̱̞e̳͎̰͍̰͕ ͖͉̪o̮͔f̻̻̠͜f͕͉̩̮̺̻̪ ̷̭m̧̭̥̻͇o̘͙͈r̠̫̮ę̻̦͍͙͓ t̗h̵͉͕ͅa̼̖͖̼n̞̫̭ ṬH̶͖͎̠͍̦͔I̷̤̰S̠ ̷̗̯̰̦M͏̤̬̱O̥͓T͚̠̝̝͓͉Ḩ̫̤̲E̫̖̝͓̰͙ͅRF̹͍̭̘̙̹U̬̼̞̘C̭͎̤̗͖̲K͔̜E̮̺R̻̖̫̘̬̞.̲̕" Celtic: "Thanks for the compliment." Bonesy: "Burning, do you have any more snacks?" Burning:" What do I look like, a snack whore on the corner selling my shit for cash?" Bonesy: "Well, with the abundance of snacks you haven't really given us any evidence to the contrary." Burning: "Touche. Have some crisps." Celtic danced around Gluttony like a hawk, darting in and out, slicing Gluttony up like Sin Sushi (lol i think im funny). Celtic tripped on a spare rib, and Gluttony got a bite on his tail. Celtic yelped in pain, chopping off the last three almost out of reflex. Gluttony: "(He can't say anything because he doesn't have a mouth anymore, dumbasses.)". Celtic finished Gluttony off, a quick stab to his mouthless face dropping him. Jack looked at the wound Gluttony caused him. The rest of the squad rushed to the side of Jack and Celtic. Jack: "Well, (grunt) this is a predicament." Midna: "What is wrong?" Jack: "Well, Gluttony hit a major artery. I need to heal this, but if I do I can't open the Final Gate." Memez: "Heal yourself, we'll find a way to get out." Jack: "But without my energies there's no way out." Bonesy: "Just fucking do it, we'll manage." Jack: "...Alright." Jack rubbed his hands together, each rub brightening an already bright green glow. He held this light over his arm, setting bone and repairing flesh. He used the rest of his energies to heal Celtic's tail. As he used the last of his energies, he reverted to his original form, before he changed it using his great powers. The only thing that remained the same was the color of his eyes, a bright solid green. Burning: "Welcome back to being a slightly normal person Jack." Jack: "Well, the last stop is next. Time to meet Mr.Satan." The Gate slowly crumbled, revealing the Eighth Circle of Hell. It was a long hallway, made of deep, dark red wood and black marble flooring. The ceiling was visible, but only by the millions of faces twisting and contorting in pain and torture. Burning: "D-do you guys have to b-bring me along?" Memez: "What's wrong? I thought you were ready to take Satan on headfirst?" Burning: "Y-yeah, I still am. B-but I-I might just slow you down." Bonesy: "No choice Burning, you're part of this now." The hallway abruptly ended in a large red door with a simple symbol on it. Nine rings, all intertwined. Bonesy reached for the golden doorknob of the door. It opened to an office space, with a woman sitting at a desk filing paperwork. She bore a strong resemblance to Shirley Phelps-Roper. A plaque on her desk read "Satan". Burning: "H-hey mom." Celtic: "Wait, Satan's a chick. What." Satan: "You haven't visited me in 300 years, and the last time we met you stabbed me in the throat. You aren't my daughter. But you did do something right for once. You brought these troublemakers to me. I guess I can let you live for that." Satan stood up, adjusting her glasses.The squad readied all of their respective weapons. Satan: "That's a cute little gesture, but utterly pointless. Now die." Satan's spine extended, ripping her stomach open to reveal a ribcage with a black heart. Her legs turned to that of a goat, but the hooves turned to claws. Her head turned to a snake's head, and she sprouted large reptilian wings from her back. No forcefield appeared, because Satan wanted to kill them all herself. Satan: "Welcome to Hell, enjoy your stay." The quaint office space turned to a vast expanse of charred land. Blackened trees poked up from the ground like smoke from a fire. Buildings in the distance were toppled and charred, some still burning. Satan: "I'm going to burn your souls. They are going to keep me warm at night." Bonesy: "Bitch, skeletons don't have souls." Bonesy fired the Bass Cannon, but a pentagram formed over the area where the Waveform beam would've hit. Another formed behind Satan, reflecting the Waveform beam back at the squad, who barely moved out of the way in time. A deep hole seared itself into the ground. Satan: "Do you honestly think that tiny laser pointer can hurt me? I've been around as long as the primordial slime you climbed out of was barely formed." Memez: "Uhhh Burning? Any tips?" Burning: "I don't fucking know, I haven't seen her in 300 years!" Satan: "Let me show you what I can do." Satan took a deep breath, and exhaled white fire. It spread over the heads of the squad, and even thought they couldn't see it, all over the world they were in. The fire almost sucked all of the air directly out of their lungs before it dissapeared. A loud boom sounded across the planet from the air rushing back into place. Celtic: "BURNING, WE COULD REALLY USE ANY AND ALL ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE RIGHT NOW!" Burning: "Umm... I-i think that this place is the gray area between The Great Dank and Hell! Does that help us!?!" Bonesy: "A lot more than you know. JACK!" Jack ran to Bonesy's side, scurrying out of the hole he hid in to escape the flames. Bonesy: "This may hurt." Jack: "It'll hurt a lot more if it doesn't work m8." Bonesy set the Bass Cannon at it's highest setting "Motherfuckin' Nagasaki m8." Jack jumped up, and Bonesy fired at his feet, rocketing him up to the barrier between worlds. Just before he de-atomized, he broke through the Wall. Satan: "You killed your friend, for no reason at all. Admirable, but I don't give mercy because of..." Satan's words were cut short by a near mile-wide beam of green energy, destroying Satan's physical form. Her energies escaped back down into the charred earth, presumably back to Hell to repair herself. Bonesy: "I can NOT fucking believe that worked." Jack came down from the sky, Snoop Dogg at his side. He was back in his muscly Dankgel form, a bright green aura surrounding him and steaming from his eyes. Snoop spoke. Snoop: "Ay, wuz good mah nizzles? Long time no see." Burning: "Am I really talking to a god right now?" Memez: "Don't worry, he's cool." Snoop: "Sorry about that bitchizzle mangs, she crazy as hell." Bonesy: "You could not have helped us at a better time." Jack: "Umm, bitch please. I did that shit." Celtic: "Damn son, that's some fucking OP shit m8." Midna: "I am glad we're alive and not burned to a crisp." Snoop: "I'ma let you guys get outta here my nizzles. Dis Purgatory by tha way." Kerbin: "Thank you Snoop." Snoop: "Don't thank me yet my straight up gangstaizzles, you got some BAAAAD shit on the other side..." Bonesy: "Wait, wha..." Snoop flicked his wrist, and the squad was teleported to Suggested Reading (Henceforth known as Surread (Sir-ee-ad).) Posters flew freely over the entire city, an image of Maulle on each of them. The words "Submit, Conform, Obey" were printed on the bottom of each poster. Maulle: "*ahem.*" The squad turned to see Maulle, clothed in a dress of razors, all overlapping into a scale-like suit of edgy armor. She wielded a straight razor that was almost as big as her. Marcus Mabel and 2xnitro stood beside her, grinning maliciously. Maulle: "Arrest these terrorists for attempting to overthrow the Edge-Queen." TO BE CONTINUED...